May 28, 2006 - 4:54 pm i've been acting like a mental case around my friends lately. bratty, paranoid, sulky. it's because i think i'm going to get replaced. it's because i think my friends like someone else MORE than me and don't want me in the group anymore. the problem is that every time i try to talk myself out of being the most annoying person to be with, something happens and my brain triggers a signal to act like a fucking crazy twit again. which is probably causing them to like me even less. how do i stop myself from getting so jealous and angry? how do i stop myself from ruining my friendships? if they like someone else more than me, i know that doesn't mean i'll get kicked out the group - it just means i won't be the first that people go to anymore. i am really struggling with that, as childish as it sounds. i know it has something to do with being married now as well, and that's not something i can change... i just want to stop acting like a tool. i cringe inwardly after almost every social interaction, because i know i have made the snide, inappropriate and incredibly bratty remarks to my friends that aren't deserved. i keep trying to repeat to myself i can't have everything my way but it's not working. i'm still acting like a child. i am not the bigger person. i've never been the bigger person. sigh. the worst thing is, i acted like the fool on scott's birthday, when it was completely selfish of me. i feel lousy.
|
|
