December 29, 2006 - 10:37 pm i am getting far too round. there are times when all i can think of is how much i need to work harder at this diet thing. these are never times when i'm shoving fries into my mouth. even now, i suppose, i am thinking about food and i'm relatively full. i keep wanting to eat. it's a problem. my body doesn't like it, either. i can feel how unhealthy i am. YET! i still eat. i still scoff anything i can get my hands on. binge, binge, binge. and the only thing that stops me from eating is speed! which just takes the place of food, because i will binge on it instead. i can't figure out which is worse for me at the moment. i am a BINGER. i like to do everything in excess. i eat a lot, drink a lot and snort a lot. i have all too many compulsive spending sprees. is this to make myself feel better? because, and how cliche, sometimes it makes me feel so much worse about myself. and i could be channeling the energy into eating better and getting off my fucking ass a bit more. i'm not sure what hole i'm trying to fill, but every time i make a promise to myself that things are going to change, the next minute i am stuffing chocolate into my mouth or sitting down instead of going to the gym. i am avoiding responsibilities at any cost. godfuckingdamnit! if i say I'M GOING TO CHANGE, because that's what i want to scream out at the moment when i think of how fucking disgusting i've become, i know - I FUCKING KNOW - that nothing will change. i am so sick of myself. i don't know how to change. i realize i just have to do it, and i tell myself that, but i haven't done it and i don't know when i'll be able to stick to it. fuck! FUUUUUUUCK.
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